The Nottinghamshire Masonic Bowling Association has been on tour.

Over the weekend of the 13th – 16 June a team of 33 members and wives, partners and girlfriends played four matches in Suffolk. The Bowling section is not the most youthful of the Kindred Associations but it does know how to enjoy itself. The weekend started with 12 vehicles making there way down to Newmarket, the first venue for this action packed weekend. As Tour Manager all the necessary planning had been undertaken and now it was down to the participants to get their bowls together and follow the detailed instructions to The Avenue, Newmarket.

When I arrived several team members were already in the bar carrying out health & safety checks on the draught ales being sold there. Fortunately they were all still compos mentis and the first task was to give out the new “Tour caps.” This little fashion item seemed to be accepted and it all bode well for the rest of the weekend. Hold on, some of our party are missing. Mr & Mrs Derek Bailey were not there. I knew that they had only arrived back from Spain the day before and it was possible that they were still on Spanish time. With 10 minutes to go they duly arrived and very quickly got into the spirit.

After a very enjoyable exhibition of bowling from the opposition, our President Keith Buckley duly thanked all for the participation and the intrepid travellers moved on to the “Base Camp” in Ipswich.

The booking in of the tour party seemed to go well except that the hotel did not have a lift. First mistake. When you take senior athletes on tour the situation of the lift will need to take a higher priority in future. Fortunately because some of the “Groupies” were either younger or in most cases, fitter, this hurdle was overcome with minimal disruption.

The evening dinner, in a private room, went well with a combination of good food and excellent wine. After the meal my wife & I came out into the bar expecting to find the whole team sitting there only to find they had all gone to bed. I really must take the game more seriously it is very clear that due to the disappointment of the first day in losing, the team had all agreed to have an early night in order to thrash the opposition on the Saturday.

Day 2. From about 7.15 the touring party started to appear in the dining room for breakfast. Gone was the grey & white uniform the team were now dressed in fashion items or personal favourites. T K Maxx was mentioned on more than one occasion.

Problem. One of our most energetic Groupie followers was having trouble with the towel rail in her bathroom. According to her, management of the hotel had said that the reason it was not working was that it was a health & safety hazard. It would appear that for children and the more senior amongst us, the towel rail is isolated to protect them from burning themselves by touching it accidentally The real reason I later found out was that it was not an executive room and therefore did not warrant one. When my wife & I mentioned the “safe” in our room, it soon became clear the hotel had put us in the higher-grade room. This was the only perk we enjoyed for the organisation of the tour I hasten to add.

Today’s match was at the Marlborough Club in Ipswich, which presented some of our party with the opportunity to do a little shopping. Boots, M & S, Debenhams and T K Maxx were all visited in the hope that they were all different from the branch back home. The chemist was the first destination in order to buy up the pills some of the team had inadvertently left at home. It must be said that with mature athletes pills play a vital part in keeping fit. I believe that 90% of the team were on drugs of one form or another. This was plainly obvious from the antics and repeated questions the team Manager was getting on a regular basis.

With twenty minutes to go most of the team members were assembled at the venue in the town. Problem. I was getting reports that one of the team and three others were still back at the hotel having locked the keys to the Mercedes, and the bowling gear in the boot. The AA had been called but the term 4th emergency service has to be taken with a pinch of salt.

The team was quickly rearranged and the match got underway. Another thrashing. This time by a much larger margin. The AA has a lot to answer for taking two hours to open the boot of this old German automobile. There must have been a Hoody about who could have got into the car in 4 minutes. I did wonder if the AA man could bowl and may have been better coming straight to the green. Back to the hotel and a whisper that a female team member had left her Masonic bowls tour cap in Newmarket. The towel rail was still cold and this time it was the hotel engineer that gave the real reason the thing would not get hot. It was not even wired up.

Day 3. The breakfast room was once again enriched by the exuberant sound of a team of bowlers looking for that little extra for the third match of the tour. Would the cooked mushrooms give a player that little extra or would the athlete peek too soon and have to visit the restroom during the match. There was a contingency for this in that we did have 50/50 players who were sent on at half time in order to shake up the rest. When the substitute ran down the line close to half time, the players on the pitch would automatically liven up in case they were being substituted. In truth they were trying to attract the attention of the Captain of the day, in order to go off.

Kirton village was today’s designation and it soon became clear that some of the party had undertaken a “recky” the day before in order to find it more easily. My heart did have a flutter at 11.30 with a call from a player wanting me to look out for David Townsend in order for me to give him a message. Felixtowe is a big resort and the odds were against me. With David’s bowls once again being the subject of the worry, you can understand my concern.

I was Captain of the day and had come up with this fiendish plot. I knew that Kirton could not get a full side & I had offered to give them some of our team to make up the numbers. By a process of elimination and a close observance of the players who were on the most pills I had come up with a list of members who may assist us by playing for the other side. Would you believe it, another thrashing, admittedly by not as many shots. The team members planted in order that we could have a victory all played out of their skin to secure a win for the opposition. At least the issue of the towel rail was now on the back burner. The new topic of conversation was what did this small group have for breakfast. It could be the answer to finding a winning formula for the third match.
Sunday evening of the tour is always the formal dinner with a couple of invited guests. After the President, Keith Buckley, had spoken very positively about the introduction of the ladies to our ranks the awards for the “Bowlers of the weekend” were announced. The winning male & female had been worked out on the individual’s results on a points for and against basis. Winning male player of the weekend went to David Townsend and the female winner was Dorothy Bailey. Incidentally the missing cap had still not been located. I am sure that one of the caps will be on E-Bay before the end of the month.

Day 4. The last match of the tour was in Needham Market, which is on the way home. The morning started well with all tour members managing to get up. I made the mistake of touching the towel rail and very nearly burned my hand. Never mind, some of the group never had the opportunity.

The team members drifted in to Needham Market in their grey and whites. The doors to the pubs & restaurants all seem to close in unison, they had obviously had trouble before with the antics of bowlers. The disabled stickers came out and the price of water went up drastically. Apparently David Oakley had arrived in the morning and had a tour around the venue. The opposition thought he was a spy and had been feeding him duff information about the runs on the green. The only trouble was he believed them.

Susie managed a ten minute bowls lesson, on the green, before the match commenced. “What going off here?” the opposition team member said, “It’s the youth program” I said, “Must keep an eye on the future.” Unfortunately when we stopped for tea at the halfway stage of the match the rain started. It was a shame for at that moment we were in front and doing very well. It has to be said that Reg Green and Dennis Dring did not play in this match, they went home to a Masonic meeting. This I am sure did not have any bearing on the result. It was decided that the rain would spoil the ladies hair and the Tour Treasurer could not cover the added cost of correcting the misfortune. The match was therefore abandoned as a draw.

You can understand our President, Keith, being disappointed. He was on the verge of delivering a victory speech only to have it taken from his hand by the English weather.

As I drove out of the Needham Bowling Club for the journey home I was stopped by the partner of the lady who lost the hat. “Have you the number of the Newmarket Bowls Club” was the question.

Mission accomplished comes to mind, I think the tour was a success but the only true test is the commitment to do it all again next year.

Terry.

The attached photograph shows N.M.B.A's President, Keith Buckley and his wife Joyce at the Dinner on the Sunday evening of the tour.